In which I come out of hiding

I'm home from church today with a sick Adam. He's sleeping now so I actually have some good computer time.

A few days ago I tried on some old jeans for the heck of it. They're size 20. I was a size 30/32 at the beginning of this journey. I stopped buying jeans after the size 20s, so I haven't had any on in years. I had tried these jeans on a while back, but couldn't get them past my thighs. Well, this time they made it past my thighs and if I sucked in pretty tight, I could get them buttoned and zipped. I was actually wearing a size 20 jeans! Amazing. They have no give to them, so I couldn't even really sit down in them. I took a picture and emailed it to my sister, Cyndi. Our conversation was very enlightening. She lovingly told me that I look smaller in my jeans and that I don't look much smaller in my baggier clothes. Even the new things I recently bought are kind of baggy.

I realized that I was still hiding inside my baggy clothes. If they're baggy, then people can't see my flaws and the parts of me that are still fat. For example, my upper arms are a real source of frustration for me. They have gotten less fat, but much more wobbly and they're still very big. So most of the time I'm dressing in baggy things, I think I'm trying to hide flaws.

So, since Cyndi lives hours away and can't come shopping with me (that would be my ideal setup) I took my entire family with me to Wal-mart and I tried on some new jeans. I picked up the 22s because that's what size I am. Oh, I guess not. I'm actually a size 20 in some of them. So I ended up buying a size 20 pair of jeans with some stretch to them. They are snugger than I would have picked, but Brad said they looked the best on me. Besides that, I'm getting smaller all the time, so they'll work longer. Hannah gave me a hoot and holler every time I emerged from the dressing room. My family is great on my self-esteem.

I found that the size 20 was consistent with shirts I bought as well. So without realizing it, I had gone down another size. No wonder things were looking baggy. They were baggy to start with and I am getting smaller.

Yesterday I also received a very generous gift of nice hand me downs from a friend who has also had the surgery. (Like four big boxes or more.) There are things I can wear now and for the next two or three sizes down from here. That was huge for me.

After sorting through the new things, I cleaned out my closet of my old things. What a catharsis. I had a whole stack of things that weren't even worthy of passing on to someone else. That went straight to the trash. I'm in the process of giving the rest to people who are still at that point in their journey.

It is like coming out of hiding to wear things that actually accentuate my figure. It's nice having a figure to accentuate. Or at least the beginnings of one.

Another thing I did that's part of this whole coming out of hiding theme is get a lot of my hair cut off. I got several inches cut off. I do like the new do, and it's good to not hide behind lots of hair.

I'm trying to work up to wearing contacts again. Another thing I hide behind are my bold, dark glasses. I like them, but they are a shield of sorts. I have contacts to wear, so I just need to do it. It feels good to not be hiding anymore.