I have a lot I want to post about. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Here are some things I'm dealing with:

First, I've been looking back at old pictures, trying to figure out when the last time was that I weighed about this same weight. I haven't really figured that out, but what I did find is that I'm really surprised at how heavy I was during our whole time in St. Louis. In fact, I'm quite embarrassed to look at those pictures of me. I just look so big. I'm embarrassed for myself at that time. I'm glad I didn't have this same perspective about myself then, or there's no way I would have been able to function in life. I would have avoided social situations even more than I did. I wouldn't have gone into public at all if I could have helped it.

So after being embarrassed to see these old pictures of myself, I made another realization. That is that I have to be kind to myself, even my fat self. I can't lapse into old-self loathing. I need to accept that that's who I was at that time and that's okay. I did a lot of good things during that time, and the fact that I was so heavy doesn't negate those things. I spent a lot of time with my sister and her family who are so dear to us. I mothered my two sweet daughters. I taught a great bunch of kids in seminary for two years. I made a lot of great friends who like me in spite of that weight. It's sad to me that weight makes such a difference to me in how I perceive myself, but the reality is that it does. I am just trying to process all of this from this new perspective of not being that same size.

So the second big thing that is on my mind is trying to come to terms with the fact that I have lost a significant amount of weight, but that I still have a lot left to lose. I'm trying not to dismiss my success by looking forward at how far I still have to go, but still being realistic that even though I look a lot better and feel a lot better that I am not finished. In this weight loss marathon, I still need to keep jogging, not slow down for a walk, or even sit to rest.

I go back and forth feeling beautiful and so much smaller to seeing myself in a mirror and being reminded that I'm still very heavy and feeling sad about that. Mostly I'm feeling good about the progress, but that emotional back and forth is not something I had anticipated.

I had a good chat with my surgeon's new nutritionist last week. After talking with her, I was able to recommit to making great choices in my food. I had let a few things creep into my diet that probably aren't conducive to weight loss at this point for me. So right now, I'm at a really good point in my food choices and feeling in control of things. Of course, having good restriction from my band helps immensely.

I did have what the lap-band forum people call a PB tonight. It stands for productive burp. I was having meatloaf and steamed cabbage for dinner and only after 3 or 4 bites I realized I had either eaten too fast or not chewed enough and that this food was coming back up. I went into the bathroom and it came back up. It's similar to vomiting, but not quite as traumatic. So now I'm on liquids and very soft foods until tomorrow evening. The stoma (opening to the stomach where the band is restricting) can get swollen after a PB episode, so it's best to take it easy and let it calm down otherwise it can become a cycle of eating and PBing to the point that you can't keep anything down, even liquids. I have read a lot of experiences and hope to learn from others mistakes. :)

Life is crazy-busy right now with daycare and family and church. We're having a talent show/potluck on Saturday that I'm in charge of. I'm also playing my flute for it. It should be fun. We'll have to see how it goes.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.