Checking in

Wow, it's like pulling teeth to get myself to come over here and post. I've gotten lots of comments online and in real life that people miss hearing from me, so here I am. I do appreciate all the support and love from my friends.

This blog has been about so much exciting change in my life, it's hard to write about when the change is not exciting. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be pregnant and don't mind some changes to my body for this purpose. But the whole last two years of my life have been this incredible ride of change and discovery and heading down the scale while my self-esteem has gone up. It's hard to be going the other direction. There's no high. There are sighs of frustration when I step on the scale only to see it going up and up and up. (I am not weighing very often, just before I go to the doctor so I can prepare myself.) There are realizations that things are harder now because I'm not only pregnant, but heavier. I am having a hard time with my clothes. I have a few maternity things that fit, but not a lot and there's still some issues with some of the ones that do fit. I just don't feel beautiful or confident in my physical self right now.

I'm also going to quit reporting how much weight I have gained. I reserve the right as a pregnant lady to not broadcast my weight. :) I will just summarize it by saying that I've already gained more than I wanted to my whole pregnancy. I've gained more than I have with my other children. It's frustrating. It has come on so fast. I know that I'm at fault because I haven't stuck to being as healthy as I can be. I know I have to give myself some leeway because I'm pregnant, but not so much that I use it as an excuse to forget everything I have learned.

I did pretty good on my goals for January for the first two weeks, not so well the second two weeks. It's nice to have a new month to start over.

I had a conversation with someone today that totally caught me off guard, but was a huge blessing. We were talking about things going on in my life, nothing too heavy and he asked me if I was doing okay. He said I seemed like I was really run down. That I seemed to be at the end of my rope. To my surprise I started to cry. I hadn't realized it was that obvious, but I am having a really hard time with the weight gain as well as some potential changes coming up for our family that I will mention if they pan out. It was good for me, I guess, to realize how stressed I am right now and to let it out a bit.

This person then went on to tell me that he'd been thinking a lot about me and my story lately because he has decided to get dedicated to becoming physically fit. He is going to start running and has some pretty big goals as far as races to train for. So he, in turn, inspired me after being inspired by me.

So I went to my car, cried a little more, then decided instead of wallowing in my sadness and frustration to go to the gym and get on the treadmill. It felt good to be taking charge of my situation, rather than moaning and whining about poor me, gaining too much weight.

I made some healthier choices today as far as snacks, etc. I'm not eating out of control like I was during the holidays, but I'm not eating carefully either. Having my fluid out of my Lapband and eating full portions of regular food is probably part of the weight gain as well.

I'm very grateful to know that the band is there ready and waiting for me when I'm done with the pregnancy and ready to start losing serious weight again.

So for baby news:

I am a little over halfway through my pregnancy. The ultrasound shows that we're having a boy. I have been feeling him kick for the last couple of weeks. I love feeling the little flutters. I can even watch the surface of my skin sometimes and see my belly move with the little kicks. It will be fun when they are strong enough for the rest of the family to feel them or even see them. I have some cute ultrasound pictures that I will share.