Woo Hoo! I'm overweight!

I weighed in at 196 this morning, which puts me at a bmi of 29.8 which is out of the obese range and merely overweight. :)

I have 32 pounds to go before I'm in the normal weight range.

These numbers are all a little silly because they aren't the ultimate authority on how much I should weigh, but it is nice to have some gauge to sort of go by.

The fight against self-doubt and complacency

I've reached an interesting place in this journey. Things have slowed down weight-loss wise and I'm settling in to my new life and my new body. I struggle from day to day with believing in myself and believing in this process. Weight loss isn’t predictable the way my body does it and I still worry sometimes that I’m doing it wrong. Realistically I think, how can I be doing it wrong, when I've been so amazingly successful? But on the other hand, when the scale is jumping around and the only reason seems to be what I have or haven't done food and exercise-wise, I do begin to doubt that I have a good handle on how to do this.

One thing that I could easily see happening, (but that I'm determined not to let happen) is for me to become satisfied with where I am and stop trying as hard to get this last bit of weight off. I'm wearing a size 14 pants right now. I don't remember the last time I wore a size 14. I think it was in high school. I've lost over 100 pounds and I'm feeling pretty good. But I still have a ways to go and I don't want to just be satisfied with coming this far and not finish what I started. It certainly isn't that I'm not happy with myself and my body--I am. Maybe that's why I worry about this complacency setting in, because I would most certainly feel successful even if this is the end of the journey(which it isn't).

Maybe another thing affecting me is that I can't really picture myself any smaller than I am now. I just haven't ever been within reach of being a size 12, 10 or even smaller. So that self-doubt innocently takes root and could be affecting me in my actions and efforts.

My current eating habits are leaps and bounds above my previous eating habits, but they aren’t perfect and I know there are some improvements I could make if I was motivated enough. This way of eating has served me well enough this far, I keep worrying that it has stopped working and that I’m going to have to give up any food that isn’t perfectly healthy in order to keep going. It’s this fine line I try to walk between feeling like I’m on a diet and deprived, verses eating in a manner that leaves me satisfied and will serve me for the rest of my life. I just don’t trust myself to know where to stop as far as how much I can include before I’m including too much less healthy stuff to lose weight anymore.

I acknowledge that I will probably never be free of the struggle over food. That's okay because I have the tools to beat it.

Head shot comparison

Running again

I haven't posted much about my exercise or my eating or my weight loss because not much has changed on those fronts. I've taken a break from running to let my hip heal. I hadn't run since last Wednesday when I went running today (Saturday). After a week and a half off, I was surprised that I was able to run just fine and completed a two-mile run without any trouble. I'm reading the book Chi Running and hope to incorporate some of his techniques soon. I think that will help with injuries or rather help me not become injured.

One Year--Reflections

I’m finally getting around to writing my review of this last year. My anniversary, or bandiversary as some like to call it was last Sunday, almost a week ago. I have had a lot of thoughts about writing this, but for some reason haven’t felt ready to write it. I think in part because it’s such a personal thing for me, and such a huge thing, that it’s hard to put into words what a difference this year has made in my life. How can words do any justice to how grateful I am and how different I feel? However, I have to try, because I want to share this.

One year ago I was so scared. I was having a life-changing surgery. Firstly I was scared of dying in surgery. I cried and told my husband that if “something happened” I was sorry and that I never meant for that to happen. Thankfully the surgery went off without a hitch. Secondly, I was scared of not succeeding. I was scared of not being able to stick to the new lifestyle and scared of failing.

I started keeping a blog mainly to see for myself any progress I was making. I wanted to share it with my family and very close friends to begin with, but nobody else for a while. As I started really seeing success and seeing that success continue I felt more and more confident and increasingly strong. Before too long I was ready to share my blog publicly. I was (and still am) amazed at the response I get from those who read. I’ve had so many kind and supportive comments as well as people who find my journey inspiring for their own lives. I had never anticipated that and I’m thrilled that my struggles have in any way been able to benefit others.

Now, a year later, I’m 103 pounds lighter. All within 12 months, I’ve seen my weight be in the 300s, 200s and now the top of the 100s. How cool is that? I’ve gone from wearing a 30/32 to almost being able to wear a size 14. I’m more comfortable in a 16 still, but things are a little loose. I’m so happy with my looks right now. I don’t mind having my picture taken and being seen by people I haven’t seen in a while. It’s actually really fun!

I have become a strong and dare I say, athletic person, which is a surprise to me. I have become a runner, even running 6 miles at my longest distance so far. This is incredible to me. I’m working out some hip problems right now, but even today I was able to run 2 miles on the treadmill without it being a huge deal. This is amazing! I will continue to pursue this running journey, because it is so empowering.

I have regained so much of the confidence and exuberance that had been buried underneath all that weight for so many years. I no longer dread going to social gatherings, or running into people. I’m just so happy with where I am.

Doing things is easier, period. Kneeling on the floor, getting in and out of the car, shopping, walking, standing, bending, all of it is so much easier without that extra 100 pounds weighing me down.

I have a little ways left before I’m finished with the weight-loss part of this remaking of myself. I know I can do it and I’m not scared that I am not going to be able to keep the weight off. I have used this Lapband as a tool, not a magic fix. I have worked hard, using the tool to make the work easier, but I have worked very hard. Because of that, I know that I will continue to work hard and take my health and the state of my fitness seriously. It’s not something that will take care of itself. It will be something I have to be vigilant about for the rest of my life, which thanks to this journey will be healthier and longer. I am so blessed. I am so thankful.

Exercise

So I decided not to do any running on my hip until it feels much better. I went walking on Monday instead of running. I walked two miles on the treadmill and then did 2 miles on a stationary bike. That wasn't very hard, but really I was just killing time until my daughter was done with her basketball class.

I've been wanting to write a big post about my one-year-anniversary which was this last Sunday but I haven't done it yet. I am so grateful for the changes that this year has brought and I honestly feel like a different person in many ways. Hopefully I can get my thoughts down into words in the next little while.

With two days to spare. . .

. . .I saw 199 on the scale this morning! Onederland! I guess all I needed to do was make a whiny post about how I wasn't losing weight. (Oh, and get a fill.) It may not stick, like my weight usually does, go back up before coming back down, but my goal was to see that number by the year mark and that is this Sunday. I can hardly believe it. :)

I went on Wednesday to get my band adjustment, or fill. He added .3 ccs to my band bringing my total fluid to 6.8, I think. I can tell a difference even on the "straw" diet I'm on. (Anything that can fit through a straw is okay, though I am not supposed to actually use a straw.) It has been taking me a while to even drink water, or Pero, so I know I have more restriction. The big test will be this afternoon when I start adding back in some regular foods. I plan on going slow, though because I don't want to get anything stuck!

My appointment with Dr. Metz was great. He was much more impressed with my weight loss than I had been feeling. He said I'd lost an average of a pound a week since seeing him last. That's definitely an average, because I've been stuck at the same weight for many weeks, so I guess I had a few bigger drops in there that I'm forgetting. Anyway, he was very positive about my progress. He also told me that maybe another 20 pounds and I would be a good healthy weight. I've been planning on another 40 according to the healthy weight charts. He didn't seem to agree with those for ultimate goal planning. We'll have to see how I'm looking and feeling in a few pounds and maybe I'll alter my goal then. What I would really like is to have a size goal and not worry about the numbers, just what size I end up being. I would be happy with a 12, and thrilled with being a size 10.

My hip has been bothering me after running. I saw the chiropractor yesterday and he's going to have me go get some x-rays done of it to make sure that there's nothing "pathologically" wrong with it. I think it has to be pretty severely deteriorated to show up on an x-ray, so I'm not thinking he's going to find anything, but we'll see. He wants me to reduce to 70% of the running I'm doing. So instead of 6 miles on Saturday I should run 4.2. I know my hip will still hurt after that distance, but he told me to ice it, so we'll see if that helps.

So I'm feeling happy today and hopeful that I can finish this journey.